No, I’m not talking about “skinny jeans,” those pants barely any woman looks good in. I’m talking about those pants you have. I don’t know if we all have them, but I bet most of us do. They sit in your closet or in your drawer because “one day” you’ll fit into them again. I had five pairs. One day, I was going to fit into them again. Then I’d be pretty. Then I’d be happy with my body.
I’ve been perpetually in the mindset that I need to lose ten pounds, while in the back of my head thinking, “twenty would be better, but let’s concentrate on ten for now.” With that voice in the back of my head, I was never going to be free. No matter how thin I was, I’d always be thinking “just ten more pounds. That’d be better.” It was never going to stop.
Today as I was getting dressed, I put on my favorite t-shirt and caught sight of myself and I realized something. I look good. I look great, just the way I am. Who cares if my size is double digits and neither of those digits is a zero? It doesn’t matter because I look great, and I can be happy with my body just the way it is, I just have to make that decision to do it.
As women we’re told every day that we need to be thinner. No matter what size we are, we all feel it. If you’re not on a diet, you’re somehow odd. Well I’m tired of it.
I don't have to work to be at the size I am, but to borrow the words from Margaret Cho, for me to be ten pounds lighter is a full time job, and I’ve got other priorities. I’m also through buying clothes that almost fit. “Well, I can stand to lose a little weight and once I do, these are going to look GREAT!” I’m changing my entire mindset. Those clothes made me feel bad about myself and set me up for failure. I’m not going to purchase something that makes me feel like I’m not good enough, makes me feel like I always have more work before I’m beautiful.
I’m through sighing when I look at the scale, I’m through policing myself and feeling guilty when I want a scoop of ice cream. Or two, or three. I’m through encouraging women to redefine their body image while condemning myself and my own. I’m through mouthing the words “big is beautiful!” while not taking them to heart. I’ve been a hypocrite.
I don’t have to do it. I can love myself and I can love my body and being a curvy beautiful woman says “fuck you!” to the society telling me I have to be different than I am. I feel like I let go of so much when I bagged up those jeans, and took them straight out to the dumpster. I’m going to buy myself some new pants, and new swimwear. Summer is coming if this snow ever stops, and for the first time in my life I feel ready for the beach.